The Mindful Sprint 5: Incremental Reciprocity Builds Successful Relationships
How much can we safely collaborate? Incrementally deliver until a partner fails to reciprocate.
“Allegiance, after all, has to work two ways; and one can grow weary of an allegiance which is not reciprocal.” ― James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name
Here’s the technique
You start first: make a small, achievable commitment that will help your partner, without expecting reciprocation, and deliver. Then, later, ask your partner to commit and deliver equivalent work back. If they do, make a bigger commitment. Keep upping the ante until someone fails to commit or deliver. Through this approach, you can measure the reliability of colleagues, friends, lovers (and yourself). If your partner can’t match you, you have learned their limit inexpensively, so be gracious and friendly.
Here’s a case study
Many successful partnerships followed this pattern, including the AirBnB co-founders, Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, and more.
John Lennon and Paul McCartney met in 1957, when Lennon’s band, The Quarrymen, performed at St. Peter’s church in Liverpool. McCartney joined the band. McCartney and Lennon began alternately contributing ideas and tunes. Lennon explored new sounds and McCartney made melodies; Lennon looked inward and McCartney told stories. They alternated as lead vocalists, editors, and backup vocalists. As their collaboration deepened, they credited their work as “Lennon-McCartney.”. They continued collaborating after the Beatles broke up. Their incremental reciprocity grew into world-class success for both.
Resources
Kurzban, R., Mccabe, K., & Wilson, B. (2001). Incremental Commitment and Reciprocity in a Real Time Public Goods Game. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672012712009
Avery, C. M., Walker, M. A., & Murphy, E. O. (2001). Teamwork Is an Individual Skill: Getting Your Work Done When Sharing Responsibility (1st edition). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Try it Yourself!
Start a conversation with someone to discover their challenges. Offered to help tangibly. Limit your effort, so you won’t regret a lack of reciprocation. If you can’t directly help, offer to bring dinner or run an errand. Then say, did that help? Did they thank you? Do they reciprocate later? Do they smile the next time you see them? If they haven't reciprocated, ask for an equivalent amount of effort back to help you with something. See what happens.
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The Mindful Sprint is a 2 minute read to help you find fulfillment and success. It’s produced weekly by the volunteer Mindful Agility project. Many thanks to beta test reviewer Stephen Tryon. Reply if you’d like to beta test a future issue pre-release.
Beatles image from the Nationaal Archief, the Dutch National Archives, and Spaarnestad Photo. CC BY-SA 3.0 NL
Straight to the point! Collaboration is needed whether it’s in your personal or professional life. Your example of The Beetles hits the nail on the head. At the end of the day everyone wants to know What In It For Me? You will be surprised what you discover thru collaboration- give it a try!
I have noticed myself, at times, occupying only one side of the giving/receiving spectrum. I like this idea of reciprocal relationships- these seem to be the most beneficial and sustainable ones. I think that even bringing awareness to where we fall on the spectrum is a practice in itself.
I really like how you suggest meeting other peoples’ limits with grace and understanding instead of judgment or irritation. We all have different circumstances and limitations that determine what we can skillfully contribute to others, and this practice honors that.
I will find a place to practice this- thank you for sharing!